BDB: WHAT A DEAL! Free fish on Merritt Island courtesy Brevard County brown tide

DO I HAVE THE DEAL FOR YOU.

Jessica Saggio here with the Brevard County bargain of the day. 

In the mood for seafood? Have a hankerin' for puffer fish? Red drum? Sheepshead? Mullet? Catfish? Flounder?

Well, then BYOB (Bring Your Own Bucket) because Sykes Creek on Merritt Island is hosting the deal of the season! You can get all these fish and more, already dead and ready to go FOR FREE. 

What's that you heard? Free?

YES, FREE. 

The free-fish giveaway is sponsored by the Indian River Lagoon algae bloom, the area's leader in feces fish euthanization. The Indian River Lagoon uses a unique, completely unnatural process known as the "brown tide,"  to effectively suffocate the fish, taking all the hassle out of the sport of fishing! Talk about a time saver!

The brown tide uses an un-patented chemical formula of fertilizer run-off, sewage spills, weird weather, air pollution, muck build-up and a host of other unnatural issues to suck all the oxygen and seagrass out of the lagoon, luring hundreds of fish, belly up, to shorelines across the area. Just grab and go!

Just this week, the brown tide did its first round of butchering leaving dozens of fish along Sykes Creek for the taking. Fish have also been seen gasping for air in the Cocoa Beach area, so this is just the beginning of a plentiful season likely full of dead, rotting fish. Scientists say this season could be just as grand as the fishkill season that made history in 2016 — and we're just getting started! Cloudy weather is making way for an abundance of algae blooms thanks to a lack of photosynthesis, so be on the lookout for even more deals in the coming weeks!

More:Not again: Dreaded fish kill begins in Brevard

There are so many things you can do with your new stash of free, dead fish. Not everyone feels compelled to eat the fish, including health officials, but what do they know? The brown tide recipe itself is non-toxic (to humans, that is), but some may be turned off by the ripeness of the fish and overall method of euthanization. Some of you are too good for fish that that live in fecal matter. But there are children starving, so count your blessings, people. Count your blessings. 

If you want to avoid the potential of E. coli or whatever stomach upheaval rotting fish may induce, there are plenty of other uses!

Having guests over? Who doesn't love the smell of fresh fish? Simply put them in a tart burner and let the aromas of their dying flesh waft that cozy dead carcass scent we all know and love throughout your home. Who needs Bath & Body Works or Glade when you have this great, free home fragrance at your disposal. Be sure to Pinterest the results and tell all of your friends. 

Want to send a message to that next door neighbor who keeps letting their dog do its business in the yard? Have an old friend who did you wrong? Trouble with a crooked business/person/political official? Kill them with kindness, why don't you? Leave them a complimentary dead fish in their mailbox! Not only will you send them a very strong message of love and forgiveness, but you will give them the gift of local seafood. Need tips for presentation? Ask a local Sicilian. We are quite knowledgeable in the distribution of dead fish gift baskets. 

Looking for a new facial moisturizer? Look 10 years younger just by rubbing the brown tide fish on all those troublesome areas to get rid of wrinkles for good. The natural oils from the fish provide age-defying results! You'll be dead before you know it! Make sure to take lots of pictures while you try it out. 

See! The possibilities are endless! So come get your free fish now before they're all gone! If you call in the next 10 minutes, we'll even throw in a complimentary bag of fertilizer so that you, too, can contribute to the problem!

As I always say, give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to poison his most valuable, local water system and you can feed him dead fish for a lifetime!

This offer is not available in stores due to FDA restrictions and the overall well being of humankind, so don't delay. Act today!

More:Again? Killer brown algae responsible for 2016 mass fish deaths is blooming

About BDB:

Boiled Down Brevard is an irreverent daily column that puts a quirky spin on today's news. We "boil" it all down. To get BDB daily, download the Florida Today app and allow notifications. We'll send you an alert every evening.

Follow Jessica on Twitter at @JessicaJSaggio.

Facebook: Facebook.com/JessicaJSaggio

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